Saturday, 14 May 2016

Twenty Five Years Ago

I didn't know whether to share this with you...but have decided that yes the time has come...

Twenty five years ago today I gave birth to our second child...a daughter...

But today does not find us celebrating, or visiting her...

It does not find me pouring through albums of childhood photos...

For she was stillborn...

A sweet little angel...

Our perfect baby had died in my womb two days earlier...

I knew the exact moment of her passing as she had kicked wildly like nothing I had had in my previous pregnancy, nor in my further two afterwards, and then the kicking abruptly stopped...I felt a pain that sent me to the floor...after that mild contractions started...

After six weeks of torment we were told there had been a constriction in her cord...

I believe that her little hand had grabbed hold of her cord and cut off her vital supplies...she was a perfect little baby...

I thought I would never smile again...

The pain inside my heart was unbearable...

A year and a week later I gave birth to our son...

The first year was not easy...

Lovely as he was he could not replace the baby I had lost...

Time is a great healer and now I consider myself to be a stronger person having gone through that most cruel of fates...

I can type this with dry eyes...

I can appreciate how lucky I am to have three other healthy offspring...

But she will never be forgotten...

We never named her formally...

A big regret of mine...

But she was little Megan Rose...

My beautiful baby born asleep...

All I have are two photos of her the midwives took...

Not things I can publically share...

Twenty five years ago today a little piece of my heart was lost...

And it's forever with my baby.

J. X


12 comments:

  1. I can feel your pain. Our first daughter was stillborn the day after my 25 Birthday. She would have been 40 this year. The birth killed her. I went on to have another daughter 1 year and six weeks later followed by a son 20 months after that. You never forget the child you lost and she will be forever in your heart. We didn't even have a photo of her and never saw her. You are brave to share this as you never know who out there needs to know that someone else has been there as well.

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    1. You poor thing...I believe nowadays things have changed again and they recommend a funeral...but what's done is done. We have both been lucky enough to have further children...never replacements, but so precious. No matter what happens in medical terms some women will always have to go through the experience we did...my mother also...everyone copes differently and must be allowed to do so. If me writing about it on my little blog helps anyone in their time of anguish, well perhaps something good can come from my misfortune.

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  2. I cant imagine what it must be like, it was something I was so worried about through all my pregnancies, thank you for sharing

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  3. Like Dawn I also can't imagine what it must be like.
    My heart goes out to you.
    Hugs -x-

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  4. My heart squeezed in sadness when I read your words and when you said I can type this with dry eyes, I found I was reading it weeping. Sending you love and hugs xxx

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    1. Thank you...it was actually quite cathartic for me to share it on my blog...I wasn't sure at first...but it was almost a relief when I pressed publish. x

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  5. Very brave to share Jackie. Lots of love being sent your way. X

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  6. Love and light M'dear. It must have been very difficult. Life is very cruel sometimes. It's testament to your strength that you can post about your angel baby now x

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    1. Thank you...I do feel that the experience helped make me a stronger person in some ways...especially as time has gone on... x

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