Saturday, 15 August 2015

The Healing Process

I suppose it was no surprise to me really that the doctor believes I'm suffering from post traumatic stress disorder. Well there certainly was a traumatic event, I'm obviously I'm also being referred to physio therapy for my hip/back problems. Though she thinks they're a secondary symptom. I was supposed to be on two weeks holiday, but that has been changed to sick leave. Next Thursday is my update day with her to decide how things are going. In the meantime she suggested I enjoy myself. Really. Hobbling along, feeling sick, not wanting to eat much (though that could be a bonus for weight loss), feeling anxious, feeling guilty for feeling like this, wanting to run away from it all, wanting to find a less stressful better paid job, feeling guilty for wanting to, well I'll try to enjoy myself, but can make no promises.

Having said all that, nature provided us with a beautiful day the other day. The sun shone. We took Heidi for a lovely walk through the forest. As long as I walk slowly, strangely my hip seems to have three distinct moves with each stride at the moment accompanied by shooting pain down my leg. Though it is the less evil of the three recommend non weight bearing exercises. And cheapest while not on full pay. Youngest daughter came with us. She works where I do and was also there on traumatic day, but didn't witness it all thankfully. It may be my Mother protective instinct that has kicked in causing the stress. Anyway we took a little lunch. It wasn't the longest of jaunts but got everybody out and resulted in a happy dog. Later on I took the secateurs to some brambles that have dared to grow across our drive, though was mindful not to cut back the productive stems! Yes brambles in the garden...very fashionable even the RHS are selling them you know...we are such trend setters! Next I took a look at our sad little onions and shallots. And made a decision, they needed to come out of the ground before the threatened rains came. With the help of my Mothers old step stool which I sat on I got the job done. It gladdened my heart to think that there was a small harvest safety gathered in...even though we have not had a single runner bean yet. So they are laid out drying on slats in the poly tunnel. It was warm enough to eat our very humble tea outside.


Well after writing the above words and then forgetting all about them the rains certainly did come. Today has been slightly better, and the mutt has had a quiet plod down to the river. I've been making a real effort to catch up with some paperwork, though sitting for any length of time is problematic. As is sleeping, walking and just about anything. I so hope my referral will be through by Monday. I have managed to refrain from popping painkillers, and have just used deep heat and hot water bottles. Pain does have a tendency to wear you down so maybe that's why I feel really rather crap.

My head feels a bit like come I haven't coped well...should I change my job...should I look for something with more sociable hours...will my leg ever recover enough to stick driving the work minibus that has rather stiff pedals...will my back pain stop enough for me to get some sleep tonight...will I need more time off than the two weeks I've initially been given. Should I just quit now...what sort of job would I like to do if I many hours could I cope with...see a right muddle if ever there was one.

Anyway, the best I can do for now is hobble around and make myself a cuppa to take outside after wrapping up well...the autumnal feel is definitely in the favourite time of year...I only hope I shall be physically and emotionally well enough to make the most of this harvest season.

J. x


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